Selfish Reasons
by bubblihead
Summary: He had left them for his own selfish reason, left those who depended on him. Two were dead, one incarcerated for a crime he did not commit, abandoned by all those he cared about. One in pieces, another existing as a shell. The last was perhaps his greates
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer **Not mine. Don't sue

**A/N:** This character is an OC that was a 'friend' of Lilly, James and co. Things will become clearer in future chapters. Btw the song is Whatsername by the fabulous Green Day. That's not mine either

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**Selfish Reasons**

**Forgetting**

This was his 3rd night at St Mungos. Even if he still hadn't regained consciousness, he could still dream, filling the ward with his mournful cries as the full force of his guilt hit him over and over.

_Thought I ran onto you down on the street/Then it turned out only to be a dream  
_He followed the flash of titan-red through the sharply twisting maze of streets, feet pounding, breath coming in short gasps, its silvery mist evaporating as it touched the mossy stone walls that enclosed him mercilessly. The mystery girl ran faster, but he refused to give up. The sixth sense that was telling him it was imperative he catch her was overwhelming his normally strong sense of rationality. It was squeaking feebly that he would never achieve it. Because he never did.

_I made a point to burn all of the photographs/She went away and then I took a different path/I remember the face/But I cant recall the name/Now I wonder how whatsername has been._ He had loved her once. That he knew with burning certainty. Maybe he still did. Every detail of her beautiful face was etched in his brain. The bright green eyes, the cute snub nose, the sprinkle of freckles on her brow and the slight upturn of her rosy mouth. Her name however, was as elusive as the unicorns she had loved.

She had stopped. He came so close he could see the watery sunlight playing on the smooth curtain of her hair. Then, with the immeasurable grace he remembered from somewhere in the dim recesses of his weary brain, she was off. He followed, determined this time it would be different. As he always was.

_Seems that she disappeared without a trace/Did she ever marry old what's his face? /I made a point to burn all of the photographs/She went away and then I took a different path/I remember the face/ But I can't recall the name/Now I wonder how whatsername has been._ He ran into a pretty square, its quaint houses and shops bedecked with baskets overflowing with colourful flowers, the crazy paving sparkling clean, the fountain bubbling merrily and the whole place eerily deserted. To him it was ugly and dead because she had gone. Again.

As he stood wallowing in desolate grief, a man entered from the opposite side of the square, striding solemnly towards him, hair abound in all directions, eyes boring into his. The man sat across from where he was standing, watching him unblinkingly. The recognition shot through him like a jolt. Her husband. A person he loved almost as much. The attempt he made at a smile had no affect on her husband. His stony stare had turned accusing. But why? He couldn't remember, he didn't want to. But he would.

Still the young man stared, his penetrating hazel eyes beginning to stir the dormant memories. Smiles. Laughter. Conversations .Secrets. Jokes. Friendships. Rows. Promises. Pranks. Love. Unbreakable bonds. Tears. Grief. Betrayal. Death. Guilt._ Remember, whatever/It seems like forever ago/Remember, whatever/It seems like forever ago/The regrets are useless/In my mind/She's in my head/I must confess/The regrets are useless/She's in my head/From so long ago_

He began to wail. It was all his fault. He had left them for his own selfish reason, left those who depended on him. Two were dead, one incarcerated for a crime he did not commit, abandoned by all those he cared about. One in pieces, another existing as a shell. The last was perhaps his greatest failure; he had allowed him to be lured by the intoxicating power of the dark. His foolish heart had fulfilled all the prophesies Fate had set, the ones he swore he never would Damn him and his selfish reasons.

And in the darkest/If my memory serves me right/I'll never turn back time/Forgetting you, but not the time.

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**A/N:** Review please please please


	2. Chapter One: Friendships Forged

**Disclaimer **Not mine. Don't sue

**A/N:** with thanks to my lovely reviewers. And stupid me forgot to mention it was AU. Must fix that. I updated as soon as I could

**Liz**

**Beloved-Stranger**- I reckon you're right. Didn't mean to confuse you. Soz.

**PennydaPenguin**

**Clyana**- It isn't peter I did state it was an OC

**sumrandumperson **– I'm glad you like it, I did try to be different. The prologue was supposed to be confusing. Unfortunately things wont become any clearer on the stranger front this chapter, I have background to set. Next one though I promise

**Selfish Reasons**

**Friendships Forged**

The reflection of the moonlight in his open eyes was the only indication that he was world of dreams. So the memories haunted him instead...

(A/N: this fic is in the past from now until I say otherwise.)

The Hogwarts student body of September 1st 1971 would have been, to say the least, a little alarmed at the appearance of this stranger. Not by the hair, falling to just below his ears, coloured the shade of gold that normally belonged to angels, or the aristocratic features that were pure white marble, so pale, beautifully cold and immovable. Some of the first years may've been perturbed by the cloak, which was gathered at the throat with a plain gold stud and fell to his heels in a sweep of fine black cloth; in his experience it was his eyes that caused the problem. Chips of merciless jet black watched unblinkingly, devoid of human emotion, completely focused. It was a blessing that he was brilliant at invisibility charms. Now was not the time for hysterical panic. He had a job to begin.

The boy with the cerulean eyes had the oddest feeling he was being watched. And he wasn't talking about the brunette that was currently gawping at him with adoring eyes. Deciding that living so long with his crazed family was making him paranoid, he shrugged it off and went back to reading the battered quidditch magazine he'd found under the seat, pointedly ignoring the simpering female opposite.

Minutes before the train left the station, the compartment door slid open. The boy looked up. (The girl had long since left, bored of the lack of attention.) Hazel eyes surrounded by wire frames looked back. 'Can I sit here?' asked Hazel Eyes.

'Sure.'

'Ta.' An awkward silence filled the compartment for several minutes, before it was broken by Hazel Eyes again. 'I'm James. James Potter.'

'Sirius.'

Sirius what?'

'Sirius Gregory Black.' He replied levelly, but his eyes were daring Potter to make something of it. 'Okay, I'm a Potter, you're a Black but we're not all like our fathers,' James said pointedly. Sirius laughed. 'So basically you're saying because I'm not a curse wielding maniac and you're _supposedly_ not a "pillar of society" with a irrational hatred of curse wielding maniacs, we should be_ friends_?' he drawled.

'No, I'm saying because I am a prankster with a _strong dislike _for stuffy rules and you'd better not be a curse wielding maniac, we could _possibly_ refrain from hexing each other into oblivion.' James shot back smartly, raising his eyebrows at Sirius' drawn wand. Sirius grinned sheepishly. 'Oh. Wait...prankster?

At the sight of a vaguely familiar dark head, the skinny muggle with the red hair felt her stomach cease its rather impressive routine of internal gymnastics. There was the girl she met at that Diagon Alley place. Her name was Ellie or something like that. She'd been so afraid the girl would break her promise and not meet her on the train. Why would a proper pureblood witch want to waste time on a muggleborn? But here she was with her pretty white-toothed grin and merrily dancing blue eyes. 'Hey' she greeted 'Lilly?' the redhead nodded with a shy smile. 'So...?' they were interrupted by a loud bang and loud male laughter. Two boys burst into the compartment, breathing heavily. 'Hello Elodie,' puffed the taller of the two. Elodie. That was her name. She rolled her eyes heavenwards and returned mock severely 'James Henry Potter! What have you been doing?!' he sent her his best puppy dog eyes and replied: 'Well, Elodie Daphne Renaud, what makes you think I've been doing anything?' she didn't reply, for she was staring at the other boy in shock. 'Black.' she intoned amusedly. He tipped an imaginary hat and gave her a goofy grin. 'Your father's gonna go ape!' she informed James. 'Congratulations captain obvious.' He spat mockingly, before turning and leaving. Spotting Lilly's puzzled look, Sirius shot her a thin smile. 'His father is a paragon of virtue that hates the power-mad idiots that are my flesh and blood- ironic, don't you think?' With that he too left, leaving the two girls to talk of lighter subjects than age-old family feuds.

James Potter had been sorted into Gryffindor. No surprises there: he was the 872nd Potter to do so. As he plonked himself on the nearest chair, he became aware of the superior smirk of the person opposite 'Proof enough that I'm not a curse wielding mainiac?'

'S'pose.'

'Still haven't seen much proof that you're not a 'pillar of society'.'

'What? After what I did to that slimy git's nose?!'

' That was a fluke.'

'I'll give you a fluke! Watch!' with a complicated flick and swish accompanied by a string of muttered words, the Slytherins were sporting fetching forehead tattoos proclaiming 'Gryffindor rule!' Sirius was in fits of laughter, along with the rest of the table. 'Wicked! Where did you learn that?' he spluttered

'My dad did it to me last April fools'. I walked around with 'I have a big nose' on my head for 4 hours before mum found the counter curse!' the mental picture was too much for them and they collapsed in convulsive giggles 'Potter! Black!' they looked up into the stern face of Professor McGonagall, their head of house, realising too late they were the only ones laughing. 'Yes professor? They chorused meekly. 'Is there anything you wish to tell me?'

'No Professor.'

'Very well. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt- this time.' She swept away, leaving them to enjoy the rest of the feast in relative peace.

Sirius sighed. This was going to be fun, he could tell. Sure, James and he were friends- as much as people can become friends in around 6 hours , but at this precise moment James was in the bathroom and he was left with two boys unashamedly staring at him with equal amounts of hostility and fear. Wait a minute, two? Where was the 5th boy, the pale one with the sandy hair? Ah, there he was. The sandy haired boy came through the dorm door at the same moment James came out the bathroom. 'Had to see the nurse.' The new boy replied, by way of explanation to their curious looks. One of the other boys stepped forward and stuck out his hand. 'Will Carlton.'

'Remus Lupin.' The others followed suit.

'P-peter P-p-pettigrew.'

'James Potter.'

'Sirius Black.' He expected Remus to shake his hand stiffly and retreat quickly just like Will and Peter- after all Remus was a pureblood and couldn't fail to recognise the name and all its dark association- but he didn't. He simply shook hands warmly and gave him a smile, just as he had with the others. Upon seeing Sirius' almost comical look of astonishment, he uttered a wry laugh 'I don't judge people on sight or their history' he said quietly, causing certain occupants of the room to shift uncomfortably. His voice became quieter, so quiet that no-one heard 'because I know what it feels like.'

Elodie couldn't understand what was so funny. Lilly and Shannon, the only other girl in the dorm that wasn't pureblood, had been talking about some muggle thing called please-men and all she'd done was ask why muggles had men that controlled manners and they were rolling on the floor. She shared a look with Alice Prewitt and Veronica Boot and in an instant the giggling girls were bombarded with pillows, which they promptly returned. Soon a full scale pillow war was in motion and sleep was forgotten until much later that night.

If he had been a less serious and driven man, he would've been laughing right about now. Those 'timid' little 1st years steps towards friendship and animosity would both strengthen and destroy the wizarding world in its darkest times. And they had no idea. Nor would they until he deemed them ready.

**A/N: **not the most well written of chapters but it's necessary to the plot so review please please please


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